Sex and the Park

Ever since I moved to New York, the dog parks have been a weekly trip for me. When most people like to go to the museums, Central Park, work out, do yoga or hang out with friends, I tend to be drawn to watching dogs frolic with one another in a gated environment. Don't know what it is about the scene, but I find it to be adorable..and really funny. Dogs of all sizes flying through the air, landing sideways and rolling to a stop on the ground. Small dogs forgetting their size and pouncing full force on larger mutts -- the same dogs who, if they were encountered on the street, would cower in fear. But not at the dog park. Its like Myspace for canines: they get to reconnect with all their friends and there's no age requirement.

I've often stood outside the large black gates, with my head on my hands, imagining what it would be like to one day be the lucky owner who gets to sit inside. You know the one -- waving to his pooch, chatting it up with other owners, petting all the dogs... THAT is the life.

Well, ladies and gentleman, today... I made it into the park. Its true. I took one of my favorite clients, Billy, who happens to live right around the corner from Tompkins Square. Truthfully, I felt sort of like a fraud when I opened the heavy door and ushered Billy in. I felt like maybe they would figure out that I wasn't his owner, but instead, his humble dog walker. However, no sooner had I stepped inside, that tons of dogs started walking over to welcome us. Within a few minutes, everyone was coming up to me asking what type of dog he was, how long I had walked him and giving me high fives. It was kind of what I imagined my high school reunion would be like -- no one would know who I was, but they'd immediately think i was really cool.

It was a dream come true. I was completely in my element and surrounded by like-minded people and dogs abound. That is, until I turned around to see Billy leap off of the bench next to me and bound towards an unsuspecting Pitt Bull mix. At first, I didn’t think much of it -- I figured he was just going over to play with his new friend. But then I noticed the glazed over look in his eyes. The very same look often associated with the all-too-friendly construction workers in my neighborhood. Before I knew it, Billy had suctioned himself to the rear of this poor Pitt Bull (not that he wasnt asking for it).

They began to make love...in dog speak, we call it "humping". And for a dog walker, who was just experiencing her first time at the dog park, it was really awkward.

They don’t teach you how to handle such situations in dog walking school... do you go over there and try to reason with the dog? Do you find the other owner and apologize? Moreover, how does one go about making one dog stop "doing it" with another? No matter what the angle, its a very personal situation on all ends.

I was in a state of utter panic, and immediately ran over to Billy to try to get him to stop what he was doing. And he did (good dog!) only to run over and jump on another (this time, much larger) pup. I watched in horror as he maneuvered himself on top of this horse-of-a-dog. He was barely hanging on when I got over there and made him cease and desist. (I think I actually had to help him down).

It was then that I decided we should go. Not because I was upset with Billy (how could I be, he is adorable!), but because I was really embarrassed. On the way out, I ran into one of the slut-dog owners and apologized for Billy's impressive libido. The owner wasn’t upset, but instead told me something that will stay with me forever: "Dogs like to hump. That’s just what they do."

Thanks for the heads up.