The Duel

I always count down to the last walk of the day with complete and utter dread. Because at 3pm, each afternoon, I walk two adorable, pint-sized toy poodles...who are complete and utter terrors.

The younger one, we'll call him "Spaz", is a nut. He is the size of a fat squirrel and has the vocal capacity of a hyena in heat. I was warned that he "doesnt like homeless people", which actually turned out to be incorrect -- He just doesnt like people. He'll jump up the legs of any and all innocent passerbys. And if someone walks up cooing at how "cute he is", he'll bark to high hell. The irony of which I can only enjoy for about 2 seconds, before he attacks.

The old, larger pup, who we'll call "Psycho", is a lot less severe...although he runs after squirrels and came with the warning that he "hates people in uniform". Awesome.

But, being the over-achiever that I am (kidding...im actually watching E! News as I type this), I figured I could take em'. And with each of the owners' protective warnings, I responded with a, "hey, it'll be a piece of cake". And I was right. It's a piece of dirt-filled, squirrel-chasing, foam-at-the-mouth-barking, chocolate cake. In summation, it sucks.

And nothing sucks more, than when Im walking Psycho and Spaz... and we see another dog coming towards us. My hands start sweating like mad, I can feel my heart pounding out of my chest and my stomach feels like its going to explode. Because, these two little homicidal pischers never go more crazy, then when they see another dog.

Each day, during our walk, I start slowing down when I near a corner. Just like MacGyver, I inch up against the wall (or bush), before very carefully sliding my body (head first) around the corner to see if another dog is approaching. If there is no dog, then the walk continues as normal. However, in the unfortunate circumstance that I do happen to spot another pooch, I run like mad in the other direction....pulling the two startled maniacs behind me.

And this has worked fine up until today. I guess most people appreciate that Im pulling the two viciously barking dogs away from them. However, today was different. Today, I was challenged to a duel.

I guess I could call it a "bark off". I was walking down a relatively quiet stretch of the park, when I noticed a cocky man, with two large golden retrievers in tow. I was desperately hoping he would turn the corner, as most people would do when they see us... but instead he started walking towards me! Clearly dissapointed with the stranger's lack of common sense, I rolled my eyes and started pulling Psycho and Spaz around to face the other direction; thereby allowing myself out of a lose-lose situation. But the man wouldnt let up.

"What, your dogs dont like other dogs?" he taunted.

"no."

"Awww, come on, it cant be that bad." And with that, he let one of his dogs OFF THE LEASH to run towards me.

I was being challenged. Im sorry, WE were being challenged. And WE weren't about to lose.

I began to fill with rage and an evil smirk grew across my face as I slowly turned to face the man.. He didn't know what he was in for. We were gonna have a bark off and g-damnit, we were gonna win.

The golden retriever bounded towards us, and with that, Psycho and Spaz were suspended in mid air...only being chained to Earth by my kung-fu grip on their leashes. The golden stopped mid trot, let out a soft whimper and waited for his horrified owner to run up, grab him and together, retreat backwards...Very slowly.

I watched the losers with the look of "what now bitches?" as they rounded the corner and out of sight. I then turned to my two prized jewels, and with a look of motherly love, bent down to show them my appreciation. At the same time, Spaz jumped up and gave me a nose bleed, and Psycho started pulling on my pant leg, ripping it up the seam to my knees.