Dog Tags

The other day, I brought a newspaper to the dog park, figuring I'd have time to read. When I got there, let Billy off his leash and sat down, I realized that watching the dogs was much more entertaining... and enlightening.

Im learning that, just like human society, subgroups also exist in the dog park:

The Prom Queen -
Doesn't have to be female, but there's usually only one of them. When this pup comes in, every single dog in the park takes notice. Our park has crowned Tasha, a middle-aged chocolate lab. Within seconds of her arrival, she's on her back, having her choice of sexual advances or rough housing. And, being the good sport that she is, she opts for everything. Last week, Billy "moved in" from behind, while a small, pit bull puppy (whose clearly just learning) made love to her upper back. Owners of these types of dogs are usually pretty understanding.

The Show Offs -
A direct reflection of their owners. On command, these dogs are jumping to ridiculous heights, running and fetching obscure objects and usually fluent in 2-3 languages. Its obnoxious. And the worst thing to do is stare in awe at this miracle-of-a-dog as their owners adjust their smaller-than-normal genitals.

The Tease -
Just as you'd expect, these little pischers are the ones making eyes, bending over and licking themselves.... But as soon as another dog tries to move forward with their relationship, you hear this deep-seeded, guttural growl that you could have sworn sounded like, "oh hell no".

The Philosophers -
The one or two pups who enter the park and go off to a desolate area to reflect. Yes, they'll let you pet them if you come over, but they aren't willing to get up. And the other dogs know not to bug them while they're in deep meditation.

The Posers -
These guys are typically small in stature, and come in barking to high hell. But, when another (usually larger) pooch takes notice, these little dogs freak out, jump onto the nearest table and bark from there. Clearly, they respectfully want to avoid embarrassing the other dogs with the "hard core beat down" that they would have let loose.

The Sluts -
From the get-go, these pups are casing the park for Grade A Prime Choice meat. These horny little buggers force themselves on most any unfortunate pooch that comes their way. They are the ones that would probably be doing drugs if given the opportunity.

The Intellectuals -
You would find these dogs slowly walking around the park with their noses to the ground - clearly picking up samples of data for some sort of ethnographic study. You cant get their attention, as they are extremely determined. These guys usually don't stay long as they bore easily and only urinate in order to increase levels of acidity. They'll probably go home, sip mineral water and subtly tap their tail to Miles Davis.

Sitting there, watching the mini-society unfold before me, Ive started to draw correlations between those dogs and people I know (or hear about) in real life. All of us know a Prom Queen, a Philosopher and a Slut (I happen to know many). Seeing these dogs interact at the same level that we all do, tends to put things in perspective. With all the subgroups that society has formed, Im struggling with being OK in the grey area: Undefined, but learning more about myself every day. All that matters in life, is being a good person, and holding yourself to the same moral standards you set among others.

Fizzy is a slut, Tasha is a Prom Queen... and Im not judging them. Because at least they "own" it, and are proudly living their title to the fullest.