Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Afternoon Dog Tea

Coffee shops in Manhattan are the equivalent to a College bar scene. Seats next to outlets (for which we can plug in our computers) are the hoochie sorority girls making out with one another and sporting minimal clothing. And cafe patrons are the disgusting frat boys eyeing, longingly -- waiting for their chance to move in.

Ive never felt more connected to those frat boys. I would give anything to get a seat next to an outlet. Anything. That's how quickly my shiny, brand new Apple computer loses battery power.

In my local cafe, there are about four outlets. Two are near the front door -- the exact same door whose drafty engineering allows the brisk (piss freezing cold) air to come through and chill the hair on your arms. The other two seats are located in the back, near the heater... where it gets so hot, you can feel the sweat create a pool in the dimples of your lower back. These are the prime seats.

And today, I got one. I walked in after a day of grueling dog walking, to find an aura of Godly light shining down on the seat in the back -- beckoning me to its holy outlet. I sat down, and began furiously typing away when I noticed the seat next to me become occupied by a 30-something man and his cheesecake.

He took his fork and broke off a piece of the dessert. With broad strokes, almost like two swimmers belly flopping into each other, this man passionately, and with great fervor, smacked his lips around the first bite. And he continued to smack his lips with a vengeance in between truck driver swallows of his chosen beverage. Each time his mouth opened, strings of mucous and cheesecake connected the top from the bottom. And when he had filled his cake hole with enough food, his lips came down with a saliva-coated crack.

I wanted to kill him.

How difficult is it, to simply keep your mouth closed when you eat? Especially when you're sitting two inches away from another person? Moreover, cant you tell that your eating is making a sound?! I stopped typing and glared. This man was completely oblivious to his own "I was raised in a barn" vibe... and now he thought I was hitting on him.

His girlish waving and incessant smacking, made me rethink the situation's political protocol: Wasn't it sort of my duty, as a friendly neighbor, to advise this man on his disgusting, born-from-a-cow, habit? Or, by some crazy Judeo-christian credence, would that be considered "out-of-line"? I eventually decided on the latter, and with a defeated sigh, moved to a non-outlet table.

But even as I sit, across the room from this horse-of-a-man -- Even though his plate is now empty -- I cant help but viciously send eyebeams of contempt his way. He, along with his Manatee lips have ruined everything, and for that, I can never forgive him.

9 comments:

k said...

OMG - that was hilarious. I could clearly picture the whole scene unfolding in my mind. Sorry about your unpleasant coffee shop experience.

Marissa said...

i hate to do it...but you know i have to take his side here! hahaha. when it comes to lip-smacking (and i know this because of you) i am the worst offender!!! as a sidenote, i overheard someone else do it the other day, and it drove me nuts. maybe that experience will make me change my ways?!

Serves You Right said...

next time bring headphones and just turn away. I understand the irritation, but i understand even more the dreaded shortage of outlets. By the way, nice segue into other venues of interest

Erica said...

This is funny! My battery lasts 2 hours, so not too bad...Still I do not like people loudly munching next to my ear, so I perfectly understand your position!

nRT said...

When you finally find paradise someone is bound to invade your bubble. you have to get strong and put out the bubble boundary. I am a bubble person my self and that scene gave me the shivers. Sorry your peace was invaded.
and for the Cliques at the coffee shops, it's the high school nightmare all over again.
keep warm friend

Mag said...

Cute blog, I really like your descriptions of life in New York :)

k said...

Hey - where ya' been?? Lots of walking?

Anonymous said...

Interesting!!! I like your descriptions on New York's life

Miss Scarlet said...

I know this is old, but your descriptions were amazing. You had me ready to set down my own lunch I was so disgusted, haha. Yuck!